It's all a lie.

all_a_lie @ 2004-02-13T06:56:00

2004-02-13T11:57:29Z

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

What does that say about me?!

all_a_lie @ 2003-12-07T02:54:00

2003-12-07T07:54:43Z

Can 16 g (16,000 mg) of ibuprofen kill you?

In all honesty?

fucking up

2003-12-05T02:52:25Z

I slept through a meeting I was supposed to be at. I only got there with 10 minutes left.

I hate feeling worthless. I hate collapsing on my bed every 3 am in pure exhaustion. I hate how I collapsed on the floor at 5 pm and almost couldn't move.
I hate how I am going to fail my Italian final on Monday. I hate how my paper due Monday isn't good enough. I hate how I've gained weight. I hate how I have been lying to my parents about everything--about seeing a stupid eating disorders specialist person, about taking my stupid fucking medicine, about seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. I hate how I lie really well after years of practice. I hate how my roommate won't talk to me sometimes because she is just weird. I hate how the semester is over and I didn't do anything I wanted to do. I hate how my room isn't clean enough (I. Need. To. Vaccum.). I hate how I miss my best friend. I hate the rain. I hate how I have no love life right now. prepare yourself for an extremely selfish comment, sorry I hate how damn happy everyone else is right now. I hate how I can't do this.

I hate everything about myself.

all_a_lie @ 2003-12-04T21:29:00

2003-12-05T02:46:31Z

She walks in, looking confused, and eventually says, after we bug her for whatever is this "stress" she keeps whining about, "Guys, don't tell this to anyone but..."

anything worth telling always starts that way, btw

So [x] asks me the other day, "Do you want to be my sleeping buddy?"

I asked him what he meant by that and he said, "Oh no, I just like it when people sleep next to me."

So last night at like 3 am he imms me and says to come over, so I do, and we lie in bed and talk and all of that, so I am sleeping and it's late and I wake up, and he's stroking my leg, and then my chest--you know, eventually he has to know I'm awake.

So we start kissing and then all of a sudden he stops, says he's tired, and goes to bed. I am freaked out--that's never happenned to me before!

& so then we go back to sleep and I wake up at 11 am today to him stroking me again,"
she looks down at the carpet and then glances at my blue shoes placed on the coffee table.

I prevent myself from saying what I want to say--something horrible, something that isn't true, something that only my mind could think up after years of trying to convince my own self of lies--the destorted view of the situation, that perhaps this guy isn't quite as nice as he seems, that in waking up & kissing she ruined whatever fantasy he had in his head, that this sort of thing scares me because what kind of person engages someone sexually, albeit a minor act, when they are not really there & consenting (i.e. asleep!?)

But I say nothing--and the other girls don't either--except maybe he freaked out over where this whole "Sleeping buddy" thing was going, if anywhere.

oh i forgot--some of you might laugh at this (well my imaginary audience i mean)

2003-11-27T10:37:27Z

My history professor told me I was a feminist Tuesday morning.

the urge to form scarlet lines on creamy flesh

2003-11-27T08:02:50Z

I want to do it so badly....I lie here in bed, a raging thunderstorm outside, and fight it. It's hard to be home for Thanksgiving--in my bedroom, the place where I first started this--and not be able to do it.

How long can I last?

all_a_lie @ 2003-11-27T02:54:00

2003-11-27T07:59:03Z

http://www.mystudios.com/women/klmno/kahlo_loose_hair.html

I have a copy of that painting in my room at home--it's a replica on canvas. I bought it in Mexico.

My mother claimed it was ugly and depressing...figures.

I have always loved this little part of a poem.

2003-11-27T07:40:13Z

This is the Hour of Lead--
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow--
First--Chill--then Stupor--then the letting go--
--from Emily Dickinson's "After Great Pain"